You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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