booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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