You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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