So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
