she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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