On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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