chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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