The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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