I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
