I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize