my soul wont recognize me after tonight
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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