If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
