i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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