If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
