Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
