I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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