If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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