You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
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