last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
