i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
