Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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