I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
We smell like vodka and hangover
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