Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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