what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
