How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
