I accidentally had phone sex last night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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