On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just pee around me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
