I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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