Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
