You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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