I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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