I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
