I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
