Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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