Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
