Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
