I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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