my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
