I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
