I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize