she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
