That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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