Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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