Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
