I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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