You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
