Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
