i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry about my life...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
