is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
