is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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