I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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