I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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