I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she woke up with a sticky ear
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Can you bring me the toilet please
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
