She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
