Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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