Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
